So I'm sitting here curled up in bed. I have a blank page staring at me, and I have a bunch of words wanting to unravel from my head. Tis time to write in my journal.
I realized that this year is half over. Typically, I like to avoid the "glass half empty/half full" question. But I think it's safe to say that either I've knocked over my glass before I have enough time to evaluate it, or the glass is definitely, without a doubt, half empty. Sometimes I just gotta own up to being a pessimist. Today is June 14; meaning that 2013 is half over. That is hard to swallow.
It's not that I'm sad to see the year go by---I just don't like the way it blows by. It's a scary feeling when you realize how fleeting time is. And that thought alone is enough to throw me into a bout of spastic critical philosophizing over life and it's purpose.
But as a Christian and a follower of Christ, I can take comfort in the solid and unshakable understanding of my purpose on earth and as a child of God. I love the way he has my life (as short as it is or may seem) all planed out and mapped out and aligned to his own purposes and perfection.
---And God does the same for all of his children. Ain't it great!?
Galatians 6:9
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
I like the way this verse pretty much just shouts at you saying: HEY NOW, IT'S GODS TIMING, SO JUST HOLD TIGHT, AND SERIOUSLY NOW, STOP GIVING UP.
It's really annoying though---nearly every day of this week, I've had a very lax schedule and lots of free time (wheeeee, summer!) around the house. This pretty much means that I did my best to keep constructing my Camp NaNo story, created a large assortment of origami, and spent afternoons drifting about in my pool.
...annnnnnnnnd, staring at my computer screen...blah. How sad. And it's even sadder when I sit back and feel time, like grains of sand, slipping through my fingers.
The days are long, the years are short. Huh.
But come on now, let's cheer up a bit! IT'S TIME FOR WATERMELON. And corn on the cob, and afternoons in the sun, teasing your fair-skinned friends who turn into tomatoes when they hit the sunshine. And soon, very soon, it will be Independence Day---a lovely day that I happen to look forward to each year. Fireworks! Late nights, pillow fights, marsh mellow roasts, and goofy home videos. Ahh....inhale the summertime!
Tomorrow we are going to a wedding. The bride and groom are both friends of my brother (who gets to be in the wedding party!) and our family. I think June is a popular time for weddings. I mean, logically, it shouldn't be here, because it's so darn hot and dry and sweaty and gross, but it still is. Speaking of temperature, what is it where you are? We are riding miserably on a cool 105 Fahrenheit these days. But it's not that bad. :P
---'sides, it'll only get worse as we head into July.
Oh July!
I already mentioned Independence Day, but after that comes a week of herding ex-3rd graders around our church campus. VBS always falls in July, and this week it's spanning the 8th through the 12th. In all honestly, I absolutely enjoy getting to hand out and teach the little eight and nine year old dewds and dewdettes...tons of fun for me and them. It wasn't very long ago that I was them, being led by older kids who I looked up to.
I remember what it was like to a nine year old. I remember it a lot. And sometimes I wish I didn't, because then I wouldn't miss is so much. Lately I've been struggling with a lot of nostalgia overflows. Maybe it's just part of having nothing exciting to do, but all the same, I'm happy and sad and absolutely pining for what it was then. It's like I can just barely taste what it was like: those moments of playing, laughing, being goofy...so completely immersed in the simple and good things. Of course, it didn't seem so great then as it does now, just like life now doesn't feel so grand as it will in a few years when I look back.
But it breaks my heart---not entirely in a bad or gruesome way---to recall the memories that I created and folded away to store inside my little casket that sits in a corner of my soul. And it stings a little, to know that nothing will ever be quite the same, and some things will be missing, while new things will be present.
I miss people, I miss places. I miss singing silly songs with silly people and having the time of my life doing it. I miss imagining, exploring, and fearlessly tackling dragons and demons with the help of the broomstick and a platoon of best friends.
It's not that I don't have new and bigger and better moments to create anew, but it's hard to accept that those old things are done and finished.
To be sure: I have been blessed. So, so, so much. With sweet people and sweet times that will forever haunt my brain.
And for that, I'm thankful. And melancholy. Very melancholy.
